Outfit: Aloha Weekend Tee via JCP ($6.99!!) | Steve Madden wedges | Levi’s white jeans | Earrings via Amazon | Clutch via Amazon
First off, I’d like to give a huge shout out to a few special people who reached out after my last post. It was honestly overwhelming to hear from you and know that you support me; specifically, a friend from my past who reached out to share similar experiences–I can’t thank this person enough for empathizing with me and letting me know I’m not alone. I’ve been silent about this for a long time and I know I shouldn’t have been.
Straight off, it’s difficult to decide how or even if I should relay any part of my personal day-to-day real life with anyone who happens to read Pop of Style. Yes, it’s me coming through the words every time I type, but in the past it’s been a desensitized happier version of me who often speaks through clothes and lines of eternal positivity. While that might be refreshing for some, it’s caused quite a rift within myself.
I’m thankful that this blog has provided me with an outlet for creativity and sharing, but in the past week I’ve realized that it has the potential to be much more than that. A decent portion of happiness for me for the 7 years I’ve been publishing this website has been the inspiration I’ve found through clothing and the high I get from sharing my finds with others. It’s easy to get caught up in all that entails, which unfortunately in this realm, can include a warped sense of self-image. Admittedly, I’ve allowed myself to fall through the cracks of optimism into a world where I breakdown at any sight of my own weakness both mentally and physically. Now that I’ve glossed over my recent struggles with depression, anxiety, and panic disorder I feel like I am free to discuss ALL aspects of who I am, not just the person you see smiling and posing in pictures.
As my husband knows all too well, what it takes to get from point A to point B with photos is laborious and not exactly the most conducive activity for positive relationship building. God bless him–he puts up with my constant bitching and moaning about how awful I think I look and how obvious it is when I’ve had a tough day and it’s written all over my face for a photo.
Truth time: we took these photos on Friday. Expectations? To have them up on the website Friday evening so that I could “ring in the weekend” with my new $7 tank find. Reality? We took a series of full length photos I was so excited for due to their being taken in such a gorgeous location. 5 minutes in, my husband showed me them as he always does before we move on to the next pose and I walked away to sit by the fountain in Celebration with tears streaming down my face. I felt (and still feel) defeated. What I see now is so far from what I saw before and it reminds me of all I’ve pushed through over the past 10 months. And while I do believe I am “over the hump” of the worst, dealing with the fallout from my treatment reminds me of a journey I’d rather forget.
In the end, I’ve decided to post these pictures because this is still an outfit I was excited to put together and share with you even if this isn’t the way I’d imagined it would look. But that’s okay (or at least I’m coming to grips with the idea that it will be). So for any of you who have dealt or are going through this struggle, please keep in mind that life goes on and it will get better. Feel free to reach out, I’m always available to talk to anyone going through similar situations.
So if you would, please join me while I share my journey through this and how I’m dealing with changing my outlook, health routine, and styling.